


The Sinners Drug

by w6rship



Series: Self-Bound [2]
Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Crushes, Diary/Journal, Feelings Realization, Gen, Love/Hate, M/M, Self projection, Unrequited Love, they arent dating
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-06
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-17 00:08:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28590798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/w6rship/pseuds/w6rship
Summary: “ I've started to think your some kind of immortal, like a demon walking the earth. If you're a demon, Hisoka, I am a sinner. The day we both dance with the reaper of death I can assure you the pearly gates will not await us. Your like a find drug and I feel myself becoming addicted. „I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies I'll tell you my sins so you can sharpen your knife Offer me my deathless death Good God, let me give you my life - hozier
Series: Self-Bound [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2074890
Kudos: 5





	The Sinners Drug

  
Hisoka,

  
I am writing this without the intent of it ever being sent out. 

  
A butler that I’ve deemed...tolerable says that it’d be healthy for me, whatever the hell that means. I am a Zoldyck, I’m already healthy, but she says mentally. I feel as though she’s indicating something is mentally unwell inside of me, and for quite a change I’m not mad. Even I am questioning it. I can see where she’s coming from, sometimes, but I don't usually accept it. It’s not like she is lying, I would know if she was. I think I trust her, but I am not sure yet. 

  
I’m not even sure if I trust you. Now there must be something ill inside of me because even if I don't trust you I always find my heart picking up speed when I think of you. I feel like exploding. I don't think I love you yet, and I don't know if your truly a friend yet, but I do like you. I try to be straightforward, I believe you already know all of this. I am not stupid, Hisoka, your not the ideal person to gain such an emotional attachment to but I can't help it. The butler I mentioned says, respectfully, that she doesn't think I've been showed proper care. I feel like I should've told her off, but I've thought about it. I am grateful for my mother and father and I'm grateful for them bringing me into this world and allowing me to train under them, but they have never been like the loving parents I've seen on TVs and in books. That was hard to admit. I feel like I idolize them. That was very hard to admit. When you idolize somebody it's hard to accept their flaws. I’d say something along the lines of, “The Zoldyck training is unflawed” but even I am getting tired of trying to convince myself that. It's been a long 20 something years. I haven't expected myself to live for this long. 

  
But I am getting off track. You, however, have shown me something akin to love. Maybe not in a romantic sense, but still. Maybe that's why I have gotten attached. Maybe I’m touch starved. Even to myself, this all sounds ridiculous, I'm the oldest zoldyck I shouldn't be bothered with something as useless and bothering as crushes and feelings. It's all nonsense. But here I am, the time ticking to early hours in the morning, slaving over this paper, and confessing my sins. I don't love you, Hisoka. But I might start to and I can't have that. That’ll just cause problems. And I’m not sure if you even like me a bit. You do to an extent, even going as far as to call me a friend, but I know you don't care that much. You’d betray me in an instant and you’d like it. Your dangerous, Hisoka. And you're doing things to me, and I don't like it. Damn you. You make me feel things and I despise you for it. I was not born and raised for this, but the God above has led me here— to you. Maybe for a reason. I doubt it tho, I don't believe in the “everything happens for a reason” nonsense. 

  
This is mentally taxing to write. It feels like I'm melting on the inside, and my outer body is being electrocuted. My body feels tingly and my brain hurts and my eyes are drooping with exhaustion. I can usually go a week or so without sleeping, but Hisoka you've messed me up more than you believe. And I loath you for it. 

  
We are both not expected to live long. I have a very large and growing list of enemies every single day and my line of work is not the safest, and you? You seek out death. By how many times you’ve miraculously survived hideous fights I've started to think your some kind of immortal, like a demon walking the earth. If you're a demon, Hisoka, I am a sinner. The day we both dance with the reaper of death I can assure you the pearly gates will not await us. Your like a find drug and I feel myself becoming addicted. And that's also hard to admit. 

  
Milluki’s joked that I had a god complex or something. Maybe I do. I think you do. Kinda. Or maybe you don't, and you're just unphased. You scare me Hisoka. 

  
I hate you sometimes, with my entire life force, I hate you and your dramatics and your rapid mood changes, but at the end of the day I find myself staying up until sunrise thinking about you, and how much you've royally screwed up my life. And I hate you for it, but that damn rush seems to be some sort of compensation. 

  
You do things to me.

  
I don't love you, 

  
but I don't doubt that in due time that will change. 

  
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. 

  
Fuck you, you bastard. 


End file.
